Plan for Your Divorce With Children

Having children often makes a divorce much more complicated and emotional. Many people stay in bad marriages to avoid the prospect of losing custody of their children. We all have heard the phrase “let’s stay together for the kids”. But sometimes, this isn’t possible. This guide will address how to plan for a divorce with kids.

If you have arrived at this guide you might be going through the worst time of your life. If you’re lucky, you and your spouse are both emotionally mature and value low-conflict parenting. This pending divorce will likely still be painful but the less conflict, the better for everyone involved.

Or, like many divorcing couples, you and your spouse might be incompatible co-parents. When people are hurt or afraid, they can lash out. If you are in the divorce planning phase you might not know how your spouse will react to the split.

The Best Divorce Attorney Can Guide the Way

The best divorce attorneys have experience in all aspects of child custody. We know that the higher the conflict, the worse it is for the kids. And, we know how to prepare our clients for a divorce filing so they have the advantage of being knowledgeable in both low conflict and high conflict situations. This knowledge empowers our clients before they divorce.

This article is divided into a section for planning for high conflict divorce with children and another for low conflict divorce with children.

Planning for A High-Conflict Divorce with Children

We will break up this article into two parts. The first is how to plan for a contentious divorce with children. The second is how to plan for an amicable divorce with children?

How do parents plan for a contentious divorce with children?

If your spouse is abusive, a narcissist, has a substance abuse issue or mental health issues, high conflict might be unavoidable because their condition endangers the children.

Most parents that fit into the above categories will not want to admit that they are dangerous to the children. Sometimes, their condition makes them very volatile when anyone even suggests that they have an issue or that they may harm the children.

Here are some tips to plan for a contentious divorce with children.

1. Hire an attorney that is an expert at difficult personality types and conflict resolution. 

This might surprise you, but many family law attorneys are bad communicators and are bad at conflict resolution. Their cases routinely end up in court and are litigated. Because litigation is expensive and risky, it’s often the worst outcome for families. Thus, it is crucial to find an excellent family law attorney who is a pro at conflict resolution and difficult personality types.

2. Expect the Worst from Your Co-Parent and Plan Accordingly

In any divorces with children, it is crucial to plan for the worst.  This means listening to your attorney about what could possibly go wrong at every stage of the process. Even the most easygoing spouses can lose it at the prospect of a divorce involving kids. Perhaps your spouse will start recording you secretly, plant tracking devices on your car, or hack into your email or phone.

It is crucial to meet with your attorney ahead of a divorce filing to lean how to protect yourself. Your attorney should have ample experience hearing nightmare situations and should know how to protect you.

3. Understand Litigation Costs and Attorney Fees

We all know that amicable divorces cost less. Parents who work together to solve issues save money. Litigation is expensive. So why do so many child custody cases end up in court?

Whether your case is high or low conflict, plan to have enough money saved to cover child custody expenses if things go the wrong way. If your biggest concerns are child custody, rather than the finances, then understand that custody can be expensive.

The best way to save money on attorney fees is to find a lawyer you is a skilled negotiator and communicator. You should also value a lawyer who will be blunt with you regarding your anticipated chances on any custody position. If you demand sole custody, be prepared to listen to your lawyer regarding the law, the facts of your case and your chances of success.

4. Document, Document, Document

As you prepare for divorce, write a list of your child care responsibilities. Keep a calendar and track the time your spouse spends with the children.

If your spouse yells at the children or worse, document the time and date and what was said. But only do these things if you and your children are safe and there is low risk of your spouse discovering the documentation. 

If you or your children are at risk, call the police if it is necessary.

6. Involve the Police when necessary

If you or your children are the victims of violence, contact the police and set up an emergency plan with a friend. Pack an emergency bag and hide it with your friend.

In child custody proceedings, the court might want to know if you called the police if there was violence. Although this can sometimes make a situation worse, discuss this with your attorney.

Plan for A Low-Conflict Divorce with Children

If you and your spouse had a low-conflict marriage, it’s more than likely you can have a low-conflict divorce. Most low-conflict divorces with children look like this: the parents agree to split 50/50 child custody. There’s no history of abuse, substance abuse, or mental health emergencies. The parents are both “good parents” and want the children to have equal time with the other parent.

In this type of divorce, here are some steps to take to prepare for divorce.

1. Focus on How to Best Co-Parent

Even in low-conflict divorces, co-parenting can be difficult and hard to adjust to.  It is reasonable to expect that the divorce with be a big change for the kids. It is also a big change for parents. Even if you co-parented well during the marriage, often at least one parent is hurt by the divorce. Maybe you or your spouse has met someone new. Or maybe one spouse is shocked and heartbroken by the divorce filing. Navigating a new type of parenting takes patience, an open mind, and time.

If you and your spouse are open to it, you can enroll in co-parenting classes voluntarily. Or you could attend mediation and work out a parenting plan.  Alternatively, you could hire cooperative attorneys and work out parenting plans and schedules to keep conflict low.

2. Hire A Collaborative Family Law Attorney

The best family law attorneys are problem solvers. A good family law attorney will keep conflict low. Sometimes one of the parents’ attorneys has a difficult personality or pushes litigation unnecessarily. Find an attonrey who is an expert negotiator, is good with people, and can mediate conflict.

Learn More

If you are in the process of getting a divorce and want to discuss what you can expect to pay for child support, please contact our office for a consultation.

Warren Major LLP is a Marin County CA family law firm specializing in divorce, child custody and support, marital contracts and other family law issues.

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